Thief/World Domination

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A Treatise on World Domination

Notes on Being an Evil Overlord


Henchmen


Okay, we've looked at some of the methods that you potential ruthless world-dominating dictators could utilise in your quest for power and sexual adequacy. Now, it is time we looked at some of the other things you're going to need to take care of, especially in the early stages of the process, as it has to be said that most plans for World Domination fail at an early stage. So, where do you start?

Okay, a few things you'll need to get your hands on, and a couple ideas on how to get them ...

Today, we'll look at arguably the most important of these:

Personnel.

1. A Right-Hand Man

Okay, you'll almost always need one of these. You need someone to take care of things, and to provide a healpful scapegoat if everything goes wrong. Look for someone with native cunning, but no real brains -- hese guys can be your worst enemy. Good for planning raids on banks, bad for defending your stronghold against the inevitable invasion force of meddling peace-loving busybodies who don't recognise your genius and genetic superiority. These guys should as standard be complete sniveling cowards, possibly with accounting skills, as they save you from having to manage your illegal accounts and free you to concentrate on those press conferences and media tirades which are so fundamental to getting your picture on the evening news.

Best recruited while still in their teens -- promise them limitless women for them to whine incessantly about their acne to.

2. Henchmen

These are also an essential item, as they will form the nucleus of your personal protection force. You'll want about a dozen, with three lieutenants amongst them who can be better defined, with meaner haircuts and really macho nicknames. A really good idea, if you can organise it, is to have one being a heartless bitch woman that everyone will assume you are sleeping with -- this is a good prestige point at conventions. For the rest, you want blind loyalty and insufficient brains to run away from somebody, even if said somebody is pointing a rocket launcher at said henchman. Now, upper body development is another thing to look for, good for getting you out of the wreckage of the Jeep once it;s hit a carelessly placed landmine. For the most part, you'll want to equip these guys with German sub-machine guns, as nobody who is capable of holding down a nickname should ever die holding anything less.

Best recruited at the local gym - just bribe them with spandex and steroids. Except for said ruthless female killer type - these you are on your own for, I am not saying how I got mine.


3. An army of ninjas.

Right, now these are definitely in the "your mileage may vary" category. Some people swear by them, but others think they're a needless expense. They do look really, really cool when they have their coordination down, and they can be used very successfully in a reign of terror, particularly in an urban environment. However, having to allocate space for ninja training grounds isn't always easy, especially if you're trapped in suburbia, and for the most part, these guys are still no more than a distraction as extensive ninja training is still no match for half a dozen AK-47s on full auto.

Best recruited at the local karate schools -- a good method is to offer them black uniforms instead of the white ones they have to wear as black ones need less cleaning and most ninjas have appalling personal hygiene (as we all know ninjas cannot swim).

4. A Muslim horde / Fanatical Tribe of Amazon Warriors. et. al.

The fundamentalist horde is, if possible, even more dodgy than the army of ninjas, yet for some reason is also disturbingly popular. It is easy enough to set yourself up as the "Great White God" or "Mohammed XXIII" and get your own army of fanatical loonies, but they don't tend to be a lot of use, unfortunately. Sure, they tend to be blindly, fanatically loyal, but they also tend to have disturbing habits like refusing to carry "the accursed white man's boom-sticks" and wade into combat carrying small ritual gutting spoons, and thus there is a tendency to have a lot of wear-and-tear on fanatical hordes in an operational environment. they also tend to have schisms over what form of oatmeal they will consume and end up slaughtering 85% of your army in a "Porridge Jihad" before you even know what's happening, and you have to clean up the mess and hand out all the second hand ritual gutting spoons to your new, and likely as not, even more psychologically disturbed, replacements. Oh, and keep them away from the ninjas, theological/spiritual debates will also have them reaching for the spoons.

Would normally be best recruited in Iraq, but that well seems to have dried up in recent years. The deep Amazon ins also a good place to go, but Amazonian headhunters don't travel well and tend to collapse into a fetal heap at the sight of the sun. Consensus is to steer clear of these guys where possible, unless you want to set up shop in the desert or a ruined Mayan temple, in which case, you do get points for style, while giving yourself logistical problems the likes of which only your Right-hand man can fix.

5. Goons

You'll need a lot of these as they are, by nature, almost as untrained as a fundamentalist horde, and they lack the religious fervor which makes the fanatics any use. Numbers may vary, but try to have at least 50, and preferably 1000 or more. Otherwise you are likely to be accidentally mistaken for a fringe Vietnam Recreation War Gaming group, and that could lead to backlash when you start slaughtering innocents. Now, uniforms are good, but for these guys it really doesn't matter too much -- white t-shirts, ripped jeans and bandannas are just as good, and denim soaks up blood quite nicely. Harbour no illusions -- these guys are as likely to survive till payday as a Star Trek red shirt without the benefit of a piece of fluff saying. "I'm sensing hostility" as their final warning of impending disembowelment. In terms of weaponry give them AK-47s for preference as these are cheap, loud, and look quite menacing when pointed at civilians. Large, serrated knives are a bonus item but only to those with an equipment inadequacy problem as these guys are unlikely to survive long enough to use them, unless they get a chance to hold a pensioner hostage which, as we all know, invites a bullet to the head anyway and is thus falling out of favour in all but the most neolithic of goons.

Best recruited in pubs --get them drunk and they'll in all likelihood join you in return for beer.

Obviously there are more types of personnel -- specialists, for the most part. A hunchbacked-assistant is one of the traditional favorites but is falling out of favour in these days of social media. Expect to need a PR consultant, a rant writer (politcos call these speech writers but whoever favored a speech over a good old-fashioned tirade?), several brainwashed/blackmailed scientists, a tiger handler (do not ask) and miscellaneous bints who wander around in revealing white clothing (mainly for decoration and keeping your rivals jealous of you). There are too many to list them all in detail, but you can get them later on. The above five you will need some or all of right form the get go, if you're to get any respect.

Keep up subscriptions too, Soldier of Fortune, Fortune 500, and Hooters are all popular publications for the coffee-table of a Demented Genius.

Personas


Right, it is true to say that a big army of mindless goons willing to get cut down in an inevitable hail of gunfire is a pretty good basis of a plan for World Domination. However, you are going to need to develop an affinity for appearing on television, radio, and the all important social media if you are going to have a hope in hell of making it as a Dictator. It does not just take will, it takes a Media Image and that will require certain abilities on your part, and it is also going to require some effort. So, what are you going to need?

Firstly, you are going to need an image. Then, and angle. You will need to perfect the fine art of the rant / tirade. Finally you are going to have to learn to distinguish good press from bad press -- vis. a vis. Riki Lake.

Right, an image is going to require you to think about what sort of plan for World Domination you are using, and how you want people to react to you. The "Benevolent fatherly type" is fine, if you are promising a firm rule and expedient rail transport, but if you are planning on wearing mauve and drinking cocktails a lot, it is not really going to cut it. So, get yourself an image early on. There are dozens to chose from -- we will look at a few of the more common, and the other aspects listed above in relation to that image.

The Ex-military type

Right, your standard ex-military type is easy to dress. Start with a uniform -- starched to the point of being difficult to move around in, lots of decorations (anything is good here, but ribbons for preference -- they are not as easy to recognise as fakes), big, big, shiny boots and a peaked cap. Oh, and a riding whip. Feel free to switch this in a sort of orderly fashion from time to time -- people will automatically assume you graduated from West Point. Especially if you shout and point it at people a lot too.

Now, you can opt for almost any officer's rank -- it really doesn't matter, as unless you are totally clueless, you are not going to be promoting anybody in your regime past you. Try not to go for the enlisted ranks, especially the more unusual ones -- Gunnery Sergeant, etc. They are confusing, and besides they usually do not have enough shiny things on them to catch reflections from the lights out there. Mirror shades are also a good thing --these will hide the bloodshot eyes you will get from too may sips of "Dutch Courage".

Angle

anangle for these guys almost always ends up as conquering the world to prove that you can, or to get back at those commie pacifist scum who court-martialed you for torturing and executing those Japanese 'tourists' who took a photo of you while you were patrolling your base (and of course they were spies, they were bound to deny it!!) A good thing to remember here is to steal a few nuclear weapons, or at least make it look like you have. These boys love a good big bomb, and love to shout that they've got one even more.

Rants and Tirades

Your rants or tirades should refer back to the concept of discipline a lot. A firm hand. Masculine rule. Give the impression that people are actually going to be safer with a maniac like you in charge, because you will be so busy invading other countries that they will be on the defensive, and there really is no defensive like a good offensive, and the plunder will lower taxes, and they will be able to walk the streets at night, safe in the knowledge that out there, somewhere, a soldier is killing a Bolivian peasant to improve your standard of living, and of course they wont counter-attack, they have no stomachs to risk the threat of your atomic reprisal. Get the idea? And use a clipped Northern American accent. It annoys foreigners no end. And, as you are going to be invading them, who cares?

Appearances

As for where to appear, well it really shouldn't matter too much. Hijack a local TV station, or give them a hot tip on a gory traffic accident as a bribe (HINT: gory traffic accidents require nothing more than a box of nails and a freeway). You should have a podium and lectern, and glare at people a lot. Do not smile, you'll look like a politician. And remember, you are trying to do away with the politicos, and put steel back in the spine of the country. Try to stay away from daytime talk shows, you'll either end up helping Rikki chooser her lifeguard of the year, or telling Oprah how you still fit into that uniform while being able to eat all the cream cheese you like. If you must try the talk show circuit, we suggest Geraldo. Hit people with chairs, or take a firearm into the studio -- whatever your approach, convince them you mean business.


The Evil Genius

Right! This usually refers to those guys who lock themselves in South German Chateaus, play the pipe organ and wear big, black capes a lot. Why? Well, extensive research in this field (we asked both the ones we know) has led us to believe that too much Vampire role playing was a major contributing factor.

Anyway, these guys can be difficult to get a good image for, as they look so out of place in the real world that everybody just laughs at them, and thus they rarely make public appearances. However, their message is still as valid as any other so ...

You are going to want big drapes. Think red velvet, or black, and you're in the right neighborhood. Something a southern belle could make a dress out of. Your attire should resemble that of a 1930's vampire, and you should make sure that the cobwebs are in the shot. Hopefully with a big spider eating a goon. Let them know you ain't scared of nothin'

You are going to want to look menacing (lowers the chances of people reading "poof" overtones into everything) and that means poor lighting. Go for candles, but preferably electric ones -- otherwise you are going to have wax everywhere, goons setting the place on fire as they light new ones and the place will stink like the inside of the previous owner's trousers. You'll want to have the camera start off by showing you playing the pipe organ.

Now, a piano-roll works here, but make DAMN sure you can turn it off at the right time or else you might just as well show a Pinky & the Brain cartoon and come on at the end to gibber "Yeah, and me too!" for a few minutes-- people will be out making coffee.

The Megalomaniac


Equipment

okay, we've seen how important henchmen are going to be to you budding young sociopaths, and so today we'll look at one of the other things you are going to need for people to take you seriously. What is it, you ask? Simple

Equipment.

Now do not snigger, and enough with the, "wellm if you have the equipment, you wouldn't be so insecure as to have to impose your will on others" spiel. No, what I refer to are the toys and tools of the operssor of today. Again, we'lll look at some of the most important groupings, in no particular order.

Transportation

OK, now a dictator in a Lada is going to get mocked out of the game and fair enough too. A would-be conquerer has to be seen in something that speaks of raw Masculinity. Even if it is a woman. Masculinity is all in a vehicle, whatever the type.

For preference, you're going to want an aircraft, and we are not talking about a Cessna here, we're looking for something special. Try a small cargo jet, but put guns on it, paint it black, and don't forget to paint flames on it. No flames, no kudos. This way you can fly places with your bodyguards (including the Ice Bitch -- make sure there's a comfy chair for her, or else she'll be grumpy) and possible even the odd Goon to bring you a wine cooler during the flight. However, if you're just setting out, aircraft could well be out of your budget. (Some people have been known to attempt World Domination on $10 pocket money a week, although there have been no reported successes to date). So you may have to look elsewhere.

Another idea is a hovercraft, more correctly known asa GEV (Ground Effect Vehicle). Also GEV sounds hellishly technical and hivercraft doesn't. With one of these things, you're going to have a hard time getting around the carpark at the 7-11, but people are going to be scared of you. Especially beach-goers, as you can churn them into sand and run down surfers if you're particularly annoyed. For a GEV, the best thing to do for visual effect is to paint it black, with flames on the engine cowlings. Best to put some guns on it too.

If you are to insist on ground-based transportation, make damn sure it's something imposinglike an articulated tractor/trailer, preferably painted black, with flames on it. Try to put guns on it somewhere. Sports cars don't really work as it's hard to take a schoolroom full of hostages in a two-seater. However, a sports car does fit neatly into the bacl of said big truck. (WARNING: If you do this, avoid black leather pants with large belt-buckles, or else you may end up as an actor/singer 10 years down the road. This must be avoided at all costs.)

Tanks are a vaguely popular choice, but they're a little hard to get a road permit for, and rarely, if ever, fit in a family garage. Intensive research suggests a compromise...

The M39 Fox. These babies are jsut right. Made in Germany, lots of wheels, overpressured so they make a *whoosh* noise when you open the door, and quite imposing looking. Room for a small goon squad inside too. These babies could almost look cool if painted green with the words "Mystery Machine" painted on them. Almost. And nothing else would come close ... However we suggest you paint it black, with flames coming out of the wheel wells, put a gun on it too. One or two -- what the hell, you deserve it.


Firepower

OK, apart from the now gun-laden vheicles that are going to be mowing down innocent pedestrians faster than the drivers can stamp little 'kill' markers on the doors, you're going to need other guns. Lots of them. Preferably big ones. Without a lot of guns, you'll just be a loudmouth in a silly suit, and we wouldn't want that.

Now first, personal weapons. Guns. As have been pointed out, AK-47s for the goons, with something like a G11 for your bodyguards, who are going to be judged by the rest of society on the basis of: a) their haircut, b)their hand-weapon, and c)their lack of vocabulary.

However, it is perfectly acceptable for some of the guys, be they goon or otherwise, to carry the odd imposing Hand-Cannon. A nice big .50AE Desert Eagle or somesuch. Why? These monsters make lots of noise. Is there a better reason, I hear you ask? My reply is - does there need to be?

Rocket launchers. Need we say more? You want lots of these -- they're going to miss whatever they're fired at, but they always hit something, and it's going to explode when that happens, so we reccommend at least one of these per 10 goons. Preferably 1 per 5. Any more than that and your goons forget to use their AK-47s, which are far cheaper, and miss their targets just as well as a rocket will.


Chocolate Soldiers

I've been thinking a little recently about certain nefarious plots for world domination, and I thought I'd share the fruits of some of my research with you...

The angle I've taken for researching a possible method of world domination is this:

Complete control through a reign of terror, backed up by an army of chocolate soldiers.

Now, this is certainly one of the more unusual methods, but by no means unthinkable. So, after a certain amount of running around asking people strange questions, getting poked in the eye a lot and occasionally bought a beer and patted on the head with the phrase "there there, it'll all seem better soon" ringing in my ears.... I present some of my findings, loosely organised under three headings.

World Domination through the use of an army of Chocolate Soldiers.

Pros:

  • Cheap to replace when they take horrible losses.
  • Logistics -- food especially -- not a problem.
  • The element of surprise...
  • Corruption of the young, in preparation for a really insidious takeover next generation...
  • Generally unrebellious force, unlikely to stage a coup and overthrow you.
  • A tasty treat if everything's going really badly.

World Domination through the use of an army of Chocolate Soldiers.

Cons:

  • Not very scary.
  • Can't carry guns, and small candy spears don't really hurt a lot, no matter how many you get hit by.
  • Low morale a common problem amongst confectionery militia.
  • All attempts to subdue Opelika, AL have met with heavy resistance, with no bodies recovered to date...
  • Hot weather an operational limitation, as is excess humidity.
  • Mobilization is a problem, unless many Kinder Suprise (for aircraft/sailing vessels) are purchased.
  • Inability to withstand enemy fire of any kind.
  • Many tactical limitations tied to being 3 inches high.
  • Inability to understand complex strategic or tactical issues.
  • Basically, completely bloody worthless.

World Domination through the use of an army of Chocolate Soldiers.

Summary:

Okay, if there is anything much less likely to aid one in taking over the world than an army of chocolate soldiers, it has yet to be the subject of such an in depth research topic. These things just suck. They're absolutely useless when employed in such a fashion, and the moron who tries to use them to achieve this end is likely to find himself on the Rikki Lake show, complaining that someone read his mind and produced a Pinky & the Brain episode, and he deserves royalties. In short, if this is the best you can come up with for taking over the world, you are in all likelihood the kind of person who would be quite good at ruling the world. As long as you have a hunchbacked assistant to wipe the drool off your chin, you freak.


Giant Robotic Ants


Vegetation


Killer Virii and Nanotechnology


"Bad" Ideas