Quest:Eastern Morpork quests

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Eastern Morpork quests

"Apprentice Baker", in which you helped a baker keep up with demand. (Quest level 6)

Discworld quest page for Apprentice Baker

Skills: 100 crafts.culinary.baking bonus absolute minimum to ever succeed.
You need: 10+ dried frog powder (apothecary on Prouts just north of Apothecary Gardens)
Go to Argle's bakery on the south end of Baker Street and "apply for a job".  Argle will list possible values for each of a couple ingredients twice, but you can get more possible values by saying "instructions" a few times. Go south into the kitchen.  Write down those values he listed (usually 3 or 4 scoops flour, 1 or 2 pourings of water, 1 or 2 pinches of salt, variable amount of goo, and always just 1 pinch dried frog).  The commands are:
scoop flour into stove
pour water from sink into stove (you may need to "pump water into sink" first)
pour goo into stove
sprinkle salt in stove
place frog in stove
pull lever on stove
Repeat each ingredient depending on how much of each you want in the recipe, using Argle's suggestions as a starting point. You can make this task easy for yourself by drawing up a table on paper of each of your tries and the results yes, be scientific. Take heed of what comes out of the oven because say if it "lacks bulk" you need more flour, if it's dry or brittle you need more water, if it has salt crystals you need less salt. If it has been "inexpertly baked" you failed the skill check so you need to try again with the same ingredients until you pass the skill check (it's a bit random).  It is a good idea to bury the stuff that comes out of the stove as soon as you've examined it so you don't get confused. Keep going, doing a guess and check routine based on your table and when you get bread, go north and give it to the baker.  You receive AM$10 when quest is complete.
Too much flour: It looks quite bulky.
Too much salt: You can see salt crystals on it.
Too little flour: It looks a bit thin though as if it's missing some bulk.
Too little goo: It is crumbling a little.
Too much water: no message (but not a "loaf of bread" yet either)

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"Apprentice Tanner", in which you kept an odd man from getting stuck. (Quest level 1)

Discworld quest page for Apprentice Tanner

Buy a thimble from the odds and ends shop on the eastern side of Plaza of Broken Moons and go to the tannery, on the northwest side of the Plaza.  Give Griffith the thimble, and you might get a few levels of crafts.materials.tanning or crafts.materials.leatherwork.  Griffith seems to get rid of his thimbles fairly often (either after each time the quest is done or after each room respawn (30-60 minutes), so this quest is actually possible to do now.

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"Auriental Arithmetician", in which you figured it out and wrote it down. (Quest level 3)

Discworld quest page for Auriental Arithmetician

Skills: 60 agatean.spoken
Skills: agatean.written - unclear what the minimum is, but confirmed to work (at least sometimes) at level 71
Skills: 180+ bonus in crafts.arts.calligraphy.
Items: pieces of paper to write on (chapbook pages, odds and ends on east side of Plaza of Broken Moons).
Go to the Salt Shaker on the southeast end of Upper Broadway, near the Pepper Pot.  In the ground level flat is a family of Agateans. The children have the Agatean words for the numbers one through ten as names.  While speaking Agatean, say the corresponding number to four different children (ie - "sayto ichi one"). The fourth child should then ask you (in Agatean) to write his or her name.  Write the word for that number (ie - "one", without quotes) in Agatean on a piece of paper using the calligraphy brush and inkwell from the bedroom to the north.  If the calligraphy is neat ("simple", "neat", etc) enough, give the paper to the child to get the quest. Failing the written or calligraphy skill check may both display the same failure message.

Ichi - one
Ni - two
San - three
Shi - four
Go - five
Roku - six
Nana - seven
Hachi - eight
Kyuu - nine
Zyuu - ten

You can simply say different numbers to each child until you get it right. The first three children may or may not let you know when you have gotten their names right; there is no penalty for continuing to say numbers to the child, though.

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"Belt Buckler", in which you made a useful item of apparel. (Quest level 1)

Discworld quest page for Belt Buckler

Items: a leather strip from the odds and ends shop on the east side of Plaza of Broken Moons.
Items: a buckle of any value from Rendtnor's jewellery shop on the northeast end of the Plaza.
Skills: 100 bonus in crafts.materials.leatherworking.
"attach" the buckle to the strip to make a belt.  That's it.

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"Bethan's Buddy", in which you helped out a busy wife. (Quest level 5)

Discworld quest page for Bethan's Buddy

In the second house south on the west side of Vagabond Street in Ankh-Morpork you will find Bethan. Say that you will 'help' her and then say 'no'. She'll tell you to bring her toilet paper, dentures, and hot water.  The roll of toilet paper is in a nearby house on Vagabond street. For the dentures, go to the dentists in the Flintwick Building.  Wait around a while and the dentist will eventually come out.  Say that 'Cohen needs dentures' and he will give you a voucher. For the cup of water, go to the kitchen of the gingerbread cottage in Skund Forest, north of the intersection going northeast to Hillshire and southeast to Pekan Ford.  Give all three items to Bethan, either one at a time or all at once.  The edible house is no longer in a dangerous area (no wolves).

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"City Explorer", in which you discovered ancient machinery under the city. (Quest level 1)

Discworld quest page for City Explorer

Outside of the Magic Emporium on the east side of Sator Square, "lift disc" then immediately go "down" before the lid comes crashing down.  It might take a few tries.  "leave" to get out again.

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"Courageous Courier", in which you brought glory to the Ankh-Morpork Postal Service. (Quest level 6)

Discworld quest page for Courageous Courier

Go to the Post Office on Widdershins Broadway and go to the room east of where the Dead Letters are and say "help" or "details".  Say "yes" when he asks if you're up for it, then say "hard" when he asks if you want the easy or hard parcel.  Deliver it to three random locations that can be seen by "read"ing the parcel, all of which will be outside of Ankh-Morpork.  You'll get $100.

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"Courteous Visitor", in which you received a reward for asking nicely. (Quest level 1)

Discworld quest page for Courteous Visitor

Go to the Hall of Heroes in the Apex club on the south end of Esoteric Street and say "please, Miss Turrel, may I please have a ticket to the hall of heroes please" to get a free ticket.

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"Deputy Deliverer", in which you saved Ankh-Morpork from a horrible draught. (Quest level 1)

Discworld quest page for Deputy Deliverer

Go to the wine lounge in the Flaming Cabbage on Blood Alley. Claire A. Botel shows up there regularly to make her deliveries.  Occasionally she'll miss a barrel and need some help with that.  Say something like "I'll help you deliver the barrel" and she will give you a wine voucher. 
Go find Boare in the Wine Warehouse on Prouts, and give him the voucher. He'll give you a barrel of wine, which you need to take back to the Flaming Cabbage and "deliver" in the wine lounge.

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"Distant Exhibitionist", in which you went the distance of displaying feelings. (Quest level 2)

Discworld quest page for Distant Exhibitionist

You have to have done the SENTIMENTALIST quest first.  Go to the Temple of Small Gods, then go east from the fountain all the way, then south to Florette the bunny rabbit. Go southwest from there and "gather carrot" until you get a carrot. Go back to Florette, "feed" her the carrot, "pet" her, and say "Florette is a good girl!"

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"Dog Gone Emancipator", in which you found a shocking way to kill a foul torturer. (Quest level 1)

Discworld quest page for Dog Gone Emancipator

Skills: Decent combat and/or healing abilities (this poodle can kill n00bs)
Go the house south off of God Street with a poodle in the living room.  Kill the poodle, take the corpse upstairs, and "give" the corpse to Bertha.  I think the husband gives you some money after Bertha dies, so stick around a bit.

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"Down to Earth", in which you brought'em up to get'im down. (Quest level 1)

Discworld quest page for Down to Earth

Items: a few beers
Go to the Salt Shaker on the southeast end of Upper Broadway, next door to the pepper pot.  Go upstairs all the way, the "climb" or "enter" hole to get onto the roof.  A simple "up" command also works even though this is not an obvious exit.  Give the beers to the dwarf up there, on at a time, until he leaves.

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"Expert Balancer", in which you discovered how to weigh things using powers of three. (Quest level 4)

Discworld quest page for Expert Balancer

Go to the Post Office on Widdershins Broadway. "figure" to start the quest, which will cause a coloured weight to be moved to the left pan.  Here's my system:
1. move very large weight from middle pan to right pan
if right pan dips down: move very large weight to middle pan 
2. move large weight to right pan 
if right pan dips down:  move large weight to middle pan
3. move medium weight to right pan
if right pan dips down: move medium weight to middle pan
4. move small weight to right pan
if right pan dips down: move small weight to middle pan
5. move very small weight to right pan
if right pan dips down: move very small weight to middle pan
However, at this point you might have several weights on the right pan, and the left pan is still hanging lower.  Take note of the biggest weight you have on the right pan, and move the next bigger weight to the right pan as well.  Take what is now your second-largest weight that's in the right pan and move it to the left pan.  If the left pan tips lower, move that same weight to the middle pan.  If the left pan is still lower, move it back to the right pan.  Repeat with each next smaller weight, one a time, until you find out the weight.  "figure" and balance two more times to get the quest.

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"Explorer Extraordinaire", in which you discovered a whole new area. (Quest level 2)

Discworld quest page for Explorer Extraordinaire

Reqs: Completion of the Keen Observer quest, and greater than 200 bonus for ad.perception is needed: minimum levels require further research.

Locate the underground areas below the Dolly Sisters Watch House. From the dusty attic where you end up after, move the bed. You need to pass a perception skill (min level?) check in order to move it. Take a look at the helmets, pushing them over. This brings you down into the underground where there is no way out other than completing the quest. Go to the far end of the underground corridor to a large hall with a deep hole with copper bar in it. Hold on to the bar tight (if it's not tight you'll fall off!), and jump down the hole. Jumping down the hole without holding on tight is rather painful (ca 1500 hp loss). If you are holding on tight, you'll slide down the bar and get the quest.

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"Finder Not Keeper", in which you was honest with others' property. (Quest level 3)

Discworld quest page for Finder Not Keeper

You need to find 10 items registered by another player with the Lost Property Office on the Street of Cunning Artificers, and turn them in at the same location.  With the relaxed multiplaying rules, you can probably use an alt to help you out if you can't find a friend to do it.

"Lost" items are also sold at certain player shops in their quest categories and you have to deposit an item one by one if you have a collection of lost items

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"Fish Fingered", in which you gave a friend a fishy face. (Quest level 3)

Discworld quest page for Fish Fingered

Buy a LARGE fish from the fish shop on Street of Cunning Artificers. Find Carrot wandering around AM and "slap" him with the fish. You'll get some jail time.

He may try to arrest you afterwards, so if you don't want to fight him you should "give up".

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"Flower Powered", in which you gained a botanical boost to social status. (Quest level 2)

Discworld quest page for Flower Powered

Items: $31
Buy 31 flowers at Bernitas Flower Shop on Treacle Street.  You don't need to send them to anyone or add a note to them.

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"Future Diviner", in which you received a glimpse of future events. (Quest level 1)

Discworld quest page for Future Diviner

Go to the pier on the south side of Zoo Park and "search planks".  You should find a Caroc Card.  Go to the south side of Unreal Estate and into a hut there.  Go south until you're in the room with the fortune teller, and give her the card.

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"Gatherer of Fluff", in which you supplied a considerable quantity of fluffy material. (Quest level 4)

Discworld quest page for Gatherer of Fluff

Put fluffy things on Gufnork's low altar on the Street of Small Gods.  You need either a total weight of fluffy things or a total value of fluffy things.  Probably weight.  The fastest way to do this is with fluffy cloaks.  Fluffy towels also work, and the priestess in the Gufnork temple usually has one or two fluffy items on her, and frequently gets killed by Kess so there might be stuff lying around the temple.  If all else fails, find a friend with the "summon fluff" ritual. (see Research)

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"Gemmy's Mate", in which you fetched a simple tool for a nice old man. (Quest level 1)

Discworld quest page for Gemmy's Mate

Items: a shoe horn from the odds and ends store on the east side of Plaza of Broken Moons
Go to the shed on the south side of Widdershins Broadway, and wait for Codger to show up.  Give him the shoe horn.

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"Green Tongue", in which you broke a witch's spell. (Quest level 2)

Discworld quest page for Green Tongue

Look for a wandering green frog in AM and kiss it.  It's often near Dragon's Landing.

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"Handyman", in which you gave a lady a new outlook. (Quest level 2)

Discworld quest page for Handyman

On God street theres a large house with Sophie Stibbons upstairs. Go down, search the fireplace a room will be revealed and go west. In this room there’s a tin of rust removal, get it and go back to Stibbons. "repair" the taps, then "turn" them to get water and finally you must dampen the cloth you were given and clean the window 'clean window'. Rinse and repeat a few times until the window is clean.

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"Handyperson", in which you disproved a long standing myth. (Quest level 1)

Discworld quest page for Handyperson

Items: oil can from odds and ends store on east side of Plaza of Broken Moons
Go just inside the Assassins' Guild courtyard and "oil" the hinges.

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"Hearts Tendered", in which you journeyed to the heart of sacrifice. (Quest level 4)

Discworld quest page for Hearts Tendered

Put 250 human hearts on the low altar in the southeast corner of the Sek Temple on Street of Small Gods.  They decay rather quickly, so go back to the altar once they stop looking fresh.  It doesn't matter if you do them one at a time or in groups.

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"Keen Observer", in which you saw something overlooked by most. (Quest level 1)

Discworld quest page for Keen Observer

Search the desk in the prison area of the Dolly Sisters watch house to acquire a doorknob. Go upstairs to the room with Lance-Constable Cryolite and go east.

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"Knowledge Seeker", in which you joined a secret brotherhood. (Quest level 1)

Discworld quest page for Knowledge Seeker

Outside of Rendtnor's jewellery shop on the northeast side of Plaza of the Broken Moons, "search" until you find a shifty person (you don't need any skills to find her), who will give you a stone medallion.  Wear the medallion and go inside the house on Bitwash Street and say "only when it hunts", then go south when the door unlocks.  There's a scrying room you can use within for a small fee.

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"Maintainer of the Balance", in which you visited justice to the extremes. (Quest level 4)

Discworld quest page for Maintainer of the Balance

Items: A light source
Skills: Decent fighting skills
Go to the centre of Sandelfon's Temple off the north end of Street of Small Gods.  In the room with the high alter go "down" to enter the maze.  Wander around for a while and keep an eye out for persons and similar creators.  Kill them, and when they die they'll turn into a crystal.  You'll need 5 crystals, of any colour.  To get back out, always choose the last exit listed in the room until you get to the "up" exit, and go back up there.  Go to the low altar in the Sandelfon Temple, and put the crystals on it.  Putting the crystals on the altar -might- change your alignment.   research If this has been marked on a page, it's because there was something that probably isn't known, that the person who edited the page thinks could be found out. Perhaps you could figure this thing out, and be famous evermore. 
(see Research)

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"Natty Dresser", in which you paid fair and square for sartorial repairs. (Quest level 4)

Discworld quest page for Natty Dresser

Put damaged clothing on Gapp's low altar in his temple on Street of Small Gods.  Getting the quest is probably based on the amount of GP you spend, not the number of items.  A good way to get damaged clothing is by looting corpses or searching.

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"Pigeon Fancier", in which you fancied some pigeons. (Quest level 2)

Discworld quest page for Pigeon Fancier

Grab a shovel (the Job Market's shop sells them) and some food (like a bread roll from Baker Street). Go up to the roof of the main post office at God and Widdershins, and all the way to the pigeon hut. You'll need minimal fighting.melee.misc - a 68 bonus works. If you fail this skillcheck, you'll lose about 100hp, so take care. Hold the shovel, "scrape guano with shovel", pet the pigeon, then feed the food to the pigeon.

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"Plumber's Mate", in which you brought some ancient machinery back to life. (Quest level 4)

Discworld quest page for Plumber's Mate

Items: #5 brush from Plumber's Guild on Pleader's Row
Items: oil can from odds and ends shop on the east end of the Plaza of Broken Moons
Items: orange tablet (Drayne Cleaner) from the Alchemists' Guild Shop on Street of Alchemists
Items: stuff that has weight (rocks are available "get cobble" from room above)
Go into the hole on the east end of Sator Square (see CITY EXPLORER quest) with the above items, and do the following:
1) "unclog" the holes in the trough (clean trough using brush)
2) "charge" the trough with the oil
3) "clean" the counterweight with the orange tablet (dissolve tablet in counterweight) 
4) put items on the pannier
There are two panniers, and looking at the machinery or some such should indicate how low they can dip before they empty.  Look at the panniers frequently to see if either is getting to low.  If it is, take some weight off of that pannier or put a weight on the other pannier.  If you keep the panniers balanced well enough to fill the buckets quite a bit, when they empty they'll flush out some clog and you get the quest.

You can "look balance" to see how level the counterweight and reservoir are, if they're within a couple of inches then do nothing, wait for some more water to flow, then look again. For smaller adjustments use the fungus on the floor rather than cobbles. Note that the output from "look balance" lists the panniers in reverse-order, the reservoir is the left pannier.

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"Proficient Horticulturalist", in which you grew a very special flower for a nameless man. (Quest level 4)

Discworld quest page for Proficient Horticulturalist

First you need to find the Rose Seller.  This is easiest during the day time when he's at his house on the northwest end of Washer Way.  At night he wanders around selling roses at taverns and restaurants.  Say something about "special roses" and he'll give you some seeds.  You may want to say it again to get more seeds now, instead of tracking him down later.  Go to the greenhouse attached to his house and "search" the boxes repeatedly until it says there's no interesting packets left.  Keep the packets in the room (don't bury).  

The colour of fertiliser you need depends on the fullness of the rose he wants. The effect of the fertiliser on the fullness (very single, single, semi-double, double, very double, extreme double) changes with every person. The colours are Black, Brown, Green, Grey, Ochre and Yellow.

The texture of the fertiliser determines how thorny (unarmed, somewhat thorny, thorny, quite thorny, very thorny, armed, viciously thorny), however which texture produces which thorns is also random for each person doing the quest. The textures are Coarse, Fine, Glittery, Grainy, Powdery, Rough and Soft.

"Plant" the seed in a pot, then "fertilise my planted rose" with the appropriate colour of fertiliser, then "fill" the watering can from the tap and "water my planted rose". After being watered, it takes about 5 minutes (RW) to see what type of rose has grown.
Look at the pot periodically and eventually the rose will grow and it won't say that it's recently been watered, meaning it's time to water again, depending on the rose size you need.  Each watering will make the rose grow bigger.

If it's got the wrong fullness or amount of thorns, pluck it ("pluck my rose") and start again with a different fertiliser colour or texture. There are 6 colours but 7 texture options that can be every combination for the fertiliser. 

When it's the right size, "pluck" your rose and give it to the rose seller.  It will probably take quite a few visits to find the right texture, hence the extra seeds will probably be needed.  Keep searching intermittently when you can.

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"Public Informer", in which you found a way to get the message across. (Quest level 2)

Discworld quest page for Public Informer

Items: $50
Go to the town cryer's office on the southwest end of Turnwise Broadway and go into the next room.  Fund 50 days worth of messages. Funding your own message costs $1/day and another player's messages costs $2/day. Spending 50 dollars on another players' message does not give the quest, but 25 days on another player's message and 25 days on your own message appears to work. The cheapest way to complete the quest is to fund your own message for 50 days.

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"Sentimentalist", in which you demonstrated a little control over expression. (Quest level 1)

Discworld quest page for Sentimentalist

Go to Roger on north side of the corridor inside the Patrician's Palace on Turnwise Broadway.  When prompted, "lsay merus in pectum et in aquama", and "bing excitedly roger".  This will give you the "emote" command.

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"Spring Artificer", in which you put a spring in your step. (Quest level 4)

Discworld quest page for Spring Artificer

Items: 1 swamp dragon (Dragon Shop on Morphic Street just off Dock Street - $40 minimum)
Items: coal (in the dish on the counter of the rock shop on Quarry Street
Go to the house on Street of Cunning Artificers, at the intersection with Bitwash Street.  "tug wood" then "enter window" to get inside.
Go upstairs.
In the ideas room 'search bin' to get a piece of scrunched up paper:
 It has a diagram drawn on it, and some scribbled writing.
 You read the piece of scrunched up paper:
 Poegoe Sticke
 Slide a pole into a spring.  Bolt the pole to the spring.  Weld a crossbar to the pole.  Bounce up and down!

Get the metal pole from the bedroom and "search mattress" for a spring in the bedroom as well.
Go up to the attic. In the attic "search small box" twice to get a nut and a bolt. Also in the attic "pull" the crossbar off the bicycle.
Then "slide pole into spring", and "bolt spring onto pole with bolt and nut".
Feed the coal to your dragon, and after it eats it, "weld" the crossbar to the pole with the dragon.

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"Upbeat Enforcer", in which you gave a musician a good beat. (Quest level 2)

Discworld quest page for Upbeat Enforcer

Go to Leonard Flood in Musician's Guild on Baker Street and say "help".  Find Mesa Boogie wandering around AM, say you're an enforcer with the guild, and use hostile soul commands (shove, slap, punch, etc) on him until he drops the entire $10 and pick it up.  Go back to Leonard Flood.  DO NOT GIVE HIM MONEY.  Say that you want to pay Mesa's fee.  Also note that if you just say you want to pay the fee without having gotten it from Mesa, you won't get the quest (but you will still be out ten dollars).

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"Valued Customer", in which you were a faithful customer of a jeweller's. (Quest level 2)

Discworld quest page for Valued Customer

Items: $25-$30
Go to Rendtnor's jewellery shop on the northeast side of Plaza of Broken Moons and spend $25 or more on jewellery.  I think you then get a discount when repairing jewellery there, but it isn't free any more.

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"Very, Very Lucky", in which you had incredible luck and beat the odds. (Quest level 3)

Discworld quest page for Very, Very Lucky

Go to the Musicians' Guild on Baker Street and ask Loz Lipton about his plectrum/if he needs help.  He will describe a plectrum color and design.  Go north, west, and "search carpet" every half hour or so until you find the right plectrum and feel very lucky.  Give the plectrum to Loz.

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"Warming Savior", in which you saved someone from an almost certain icy death. (Quest level 2)

Discworld quest page for Warming Savior

Go to the Butchers' Guild off the Street of Alchemists opposite the Thieves Guild and enter the room with the locked door in the northwest wall. "Lift lever" and have the other guy go northwest into the freezer while you wait outside. When the latch falls after a bit, lift the lever to release the other guy.

WARNING: the person in the freezer can die if left inside a long time. This appears to take about 18 minutes.

You can also use npcs like a fruitbat or a sheep shearer instead of asking a player.

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Alchemists' Guild quests

"Cadaver Corroder", in which you burned the life back in. (Quest level 4)

Discworld quest page for Cadaver Corroder

Items: lemons, a few at a time or pickle them (fruit shop on baker street, colourful stall on Market Street, fruit stall in Djelibeybi bazaar, fruit store on Garlic Street in Djelibeybi)
Items: rat corpses (search streets, plenty on sold part of Ankh River, or kill a few at a time in Rattigan's house on Contact Walk, or the Pepper Pot located near the intersection of Upper Broadway and Endless Street)

The first thing to do is go to the Alchemists' Guild on Street of Alchemists.  On the first floor above ground level is a classroom with Bradley Weiss in it.  Say "regurgitator" to get instructions and then say "learn" to start listing the acid you need, then "search shelves" repeatedly, but don't go AFK or anything because cockroaches sometimes crawl out of the shelves and into your ears.  Ugh. You can dodge them, but if they find their way into your ears, "shake" a few times and kill the roaches before they crawl back in. You can dodge them at around 300 dodge bonus.  You also might get hit with spilled acid when you search, but you can dodge this with decent bonus. It is recommended to buy some newbie healing tea, etc to handle the spilled acid which damages you over time. As well, if you forget what colour of acid you need to search for, just say "acid" for Bradley to remind you.

Keep searching until you basically have vials or bottles filled with acids (you can open bottles or open vials and then look bottles and look vials to see if they contain acid and what colour it is) that are at least 10 different colours.  Store them in a useful pack or satchel, then go get a few lemons and rat corpses from a source listed above. For the first few attempts, Bradley will tell you to use specific acid colours, so do as he says.  They won't succeed of course, but you have to go through the motions for this quest.

The commands are:
 attach corpse to harness
 attach lemon to apparatus
 pour vial into dish
 flick switch
After doing the acids Bradley lists, you'll need to do another five or so to get the quest.  At some point in the process, a giant rat dog might appear, and either try to eat you or become your pet.  Oookay.

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"Corn Popper", in which you helped a student ruin his future career. (Quest level 4)

Discworld quest page for Corn Popper

Items: glass of milk (from the Mended Drum bar or drink shop on Attic Bee - be sure to get it from the counter)
Items: 2-3 cobs of corn (fruit shop on Baker street, fruit and vegetables store on Elm street - scrape off the kernels)
Items: vial or bottle of Better Butter Base (searching the shelves in Bradley's classroom)

Go to the room in the Alchemists' Guild on Street of Alchemists that has a Buttery machine in it.  "pour" the glass of milk into the buttery, "pour" the vial or bottle of butter base into the buttery, then "turn" the handle on the buttery.  Get the butter from the butter.  Put the butter and all of the corn kernels into the Banger, and CLOSE IT.  "light" the fuse on the banger, then open it and get the grains from the banger.

Find Neelie Awkside, usually on Street of Alchemists or nearby, and give him the banged grains (remember to type give grains to Neelie or give banged grains to Neelie, just typing give bag to Neelie won't work).  He requires a certain amount all at once, so be sure you're doing at least 2 cobs worth of corn, 3 if possible.

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"Midas In Reverse", in which you turned gold into gold, more or less. (Quest level 4)

Discworld quest page for Midas In Reverse

Items: AM$100-200
Look for Scrooge on the second floor in the Alchemists' Guild on the Street of Alchemists.  Say "yes" and he'll tell you to fetch several ingredients:
 1) chalk (white pebble - available in Alchemists Guild shop)
 2) slate (grey pebble) available from the troll vendor on Quarry Lane
 3) cinnabar (red pebble) available from the troll vendor on Quarry Lane
 4) flint, available from rock shop on Qarry Lane as a black mineral rock or the wood shed to the east and a little to the south of the rock shop as a flint stone
 5) an ore, available from the shop on the ground floor of the Alchemists' Guild
 6) an acid, available from the shelves one floor down in Bradley's classroom.  He won't say the acid colour, but call it by its proper name.  So you need to go to the library nearby in the Guild and "research" until you find a scrap of paper that indicates the acid colour for that substance.  If he asks for nitrate, you'll need bat guano from a pooping fruitbat, and batsup from the acid shelves.  Then use the nitrolator in the Guild to form nitrate out of them.
 7) a vial of something available by searching the storage closet nearby in the Guild 
 8) Various amounts of gold coins, either Rhinu or from a money changer.  This might be $100-$200 worth, taking exchange rates into account.

Give him each item as he asks for it, to get him to ask for the next.  After giving him the gold, he'll either turn it into more gold or platinum coins, or give you fewer coins than you gave him. 

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"Slimy Saviour", in which you went on a slimy adventure. (Quest level 2)

Discworld quest page for Slimy Saviour

Skills: ad.perception <137 (the command "watch high" can give you a little boost)
Lerd Ors in the Coin Pitt has lost a rare coin from his collection and wants you to help look for it.  From outside the Coin Pitt, head southeast then south to an abandoned house and then down to enter the cellar.  In the cellar, "search pool" will yield a slimy coin (if you don't find the coin, your perception is too low). The coin must then be cleaned using a cleaning tray from Coin Corner and some acid which can be found by searching various shelves in the Alchemists' Guild ("pour vial into tray", "clean slimy coin with tray"). When the coin is cleaned, it can be returned to Lerd Ors.

N.B. This quest can now be completed without visiting the Alchemists' Guild at all. You can acquire Sulphuric Acid by visiting the Hatchet and Entrail tavern at the corner of Sticken Place and Elm Street; at time of writing it costs AM$3.12. Use the alternate wording "pour bottle into tray" before the usual "clean slimy coin with tray". Be mindful that the patrons of the Hatchet and Entrail may unexpectedly attack unprovoked, so ideally leave immediately after buying the acid and complete the cleaning process outside or elsewhere.

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"True Alchemist", in which you went out with a bang. (Quest level 6)

Discworld quest page for True Alchemist

Official info:
"Go to the laboratory on the top floor of the Alchemists' Guild, in the room with the amalgamator and Two-Fingers McKluskey. Pull six levers, then push the button to start a chemical reaction. Pay attention to the results to determine how close your combination of chemicals is to what is required to blow up the guild. A bigger explosion means you have more chemicals in the proper order relative to each other. The quantities that are dispensed by one pull of a lever isn’t enough to cause a reaction by itself, but that might change with larger quantities. Any chemicals that don't react with their current neighbours during a reaction may cause adverse side effects. To find out which effects are produced by which chemicals, research in the Alchemists' Guild library. Each chemical only reacts with the chemicals immediately above or below it, hence order of chemicals relative to each other is essential. Multiple explosions can also result, when appropriate."


Go the room with the Central Amalgamator up two flights of stairs in the Alchemists' Guild.  The combination is reset every time the building explodes, and no one gets their own unique combo. So 2 people working on it at the same time are working toward the same combo.  The combination doesn't seem to reset if the building explodes of its own accord.

So, 10 levers in the room, 6 levers must be pulled with each attempt. Every time you pull 6 levers then hit the big button, you will get two types of results. The first is one or more explosions (or lack thereof) of chemicals in the right order relative to each other, and the second is the side effect from a random chemical that did not react.

The side effects are annoying and slow things, especially the blinding and hallucinating effects, which make you pull random levers. Do not trust any results while under these conditions, best to wait them out.

You can leave the room before side effects appear, but Two-fingers McKluskey (NPC who configures the machine) can't, and he'll get damaged. It's possible that he can die, so watch his health and heal him as needed. To minimize damage and delay, don't wear clothes if possible (one of the effects mimics the Searing Touch ritual) and bring healing wand (you can heal McKluskey) and/or healing tea.  If you're quick, and leave the room before or immediately after the text that shows the side effect, you can avoid getting hit by it. 

Lever 1: shiny blue powder - Headache Mist (get a migraine)
Lever 2: fluorescent lime powder - Nauseating Light (vomiting/farting)
Lever 3: silver metallic powder - Blinds You (*you will pull random levers while blind*)
Lever 4: pitch black powder - Colourful (people turn colourful)
Lever 5: bone white powder - Invisibility (people turn invisible)
Lever 6: diarrhoea brown powder - Squeaky (like eating guano)
Lever 7: blood red powder - Fire Belch (items of clothing smoulder like Searing Touch)
Lever 8: bright puce powder - Hypnotic colours/hallucinate (*you pull random levers*)
Lever 9: dull orange powder - Chemicals Ignite (doesn't really do anything)
Lever 10: glowing yellow powder - Poisonous Gas (room fills with damage-inflicting gas for a while)

The little explosions tell you how many chemicals you have in the right order, and if you have more than 1 set of chemicals in the right order. The explosion messages are:

No combination of chemicals are in the right order:
A small puff of smoke comes from the ingredients in the central cylinder. The watching students laugh at you.

One pair of chemicals in the right order:
There is a brief low-level flash and a few puffs of smoke from the ingredients in the cylinder.
The students snigger at you.

One triplet of chemicals in the right order:
There is a small flash of light and a small cloud of smoke rises from the ingredients in the cylinder.
The students look as if they are about to run, but then merely look nonchalant as they realise nothing is going to happen.

One quadruplet of chemicals in the right order:
There is a small flash of light and a small cloud of smoke rises from the ingredients in the cylinder.
You and everyone else in the room are knocked over onto the floor.

One quintuplet of chemicals in the right order:
Suddenly there is a huge bang, and a shockwave of noise from the chamber, causing many of the rivets to fire off with a loud 'PING!'.
A couple of students who were standing too close hold their heads in pain as blood streams from their ears.
This makes everyone "shocked and confused", as with a backstab, with stat penalties.

All chemicals in the right order: BOOM!
The whole lab begins to rumble ominously, causing the students to flee immediately.
There is an enormous explosion as one of the vats blows up in a shower of deadly shrapnel, which is quite unfortunate for those brave students who did not choose to run.

Don't leave the room on success. You'll end up on top of the Tower of Art with a diamond, a lump of gold, and a broken leg.  (If you're carrying enough things, the addition of the diamond, lump of gold, and Creator Collector Card in your inventory can cause you to fumble things in midair and lose them.)

Damage when succeeding seems to be a percentage of your total hit points.  If you aren't damaged when you get the right combination, you won't die.

There can be multiple reactions per combination. If we had the target combination of 147784 for example, the following attempts would give the following results:
141414 - 3 pairs
747877 - 2 pairs
877777 - 1 triplet
877141 - 1 triplet and 1 pair
487741 - Quest accomplished

So chemicals usually don't have to be in the same order or in the same position (2nd from left, etc) to get a reaction, they just have to be in the right order relative to each other. However, it seems that occasionally they will need to be in a specific order to get the full reaction--trying a known pair at the beginning of the combination, followed by every possible option may yield only pair reactions, while trying the same pair at the end of the combination reveals the triplet. I.E.:
561111 - 1 pair
569999 - 1 pair
560000 - 1 pair
651111 - 1 pair
659999 - 1 pair
650000 - 1 pair
999965 - 1 triplet
597965 - Quest accomplished
(Actual example.)

I like the following system to find pairs (10 written as 0):

So after each combo, you jot down the results, and if there was a pair, you immediately try to find a third chemical adjacent to the pair. So if you try 112233 and immediately get the pair reaction, you can then narrow down which 2 numbers were the pair by trying 111111 222222 333333 121212 232323 until one reacts as a pair again. Except it should react as 3 pairs because you're repeating the correct pair 3 times.

So if 121212 shows three pairs, you know 12 (or 21) is in the target combination somewhere. Then you try to find the number(s) adjacent to 12. If 12 is at the beginning or end of the target combination, there will be only one adjacent number, otherwise there are two. So now you want to try 12 in combination with other numbers, such as:

Then when you get a triplet, such as from 332133, you test whether the 3 is next to the 2 or the 1:

So if 312222 gives the triplet, we know the triplet is 312, not 321. We then repeat the same process, now with the 312 triplet adjacent to other numbers, and so on.

This system should get the target combination in 15-30 minutes, depending on how lucky you are with side effects and the early combinations you try.

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